H.O.P.E. Hold On Pain Ends
Updated: Feb 24
Sometimes I forget that. I have had a particularly bad week, experiencing a lot of remorse, grief, and loss. I lost the most important person in my life because of my behavior and lashing out. I get tired of failing to deal with my mental illness triggers appropriately. It is very sad when people you love no longer want to know you. I am in the process of learning how to control biology with behavior. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and my therapist believes my problem is 50% Bipolar Disorder and 50% BPD. I cannot prevent myself from being triggered; that is the biology/Bipolar. But, the BPD is a behavioral illness, so I can learn to arrest the bad behavior and handle when I get triggered appropriately. I am working on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) with my therapist, and tying in the Steps of AA, which my sponsor does with any given situation I talk to her about. (Did I mention I have been blessed with alcoholism and drug addiction too? I am clean and sober, though.) I really wanted to give up this week. I seriously considered ending my life so I could not hurt anyone anymore. (Not thinking my death would hurt anyone?) I tried once to commit suicide, with a firearm, in 2001. I was not properly medicated, had not yet been diagnosed as bipolar, and was drinking alcoholically. I aimed the gun at my chest and fired, but because I was so drunk I missed my heart. I was on the phone with a friend in NYC (a long story), who called 911 in NYC who called 911 in Fairfax County. I had less than a 50% chance of survival. The surgeon told my family I probably wasn't going to make it. But then, my vitals started improving. He said there was no medical reason for my improvement, so I must be fighting for my life. I saw the pain on the faces of my friends and family, and I promised myself I would never lose hope and give up again. So far I have been successful (obviously), but I have come very close a few times in the last year. I have to remember the fighter in me and that pain (as well as joy) is temporary. I will not always feel this way. So if you are struggling, please hold on. Life is painful sometimes, but damn is it beautiful.