Many people believe that to forgive someone, you are excusing
and releasing them from their wrongs. This is not the case as
indicated in the Bible. Sometimes, for example, we need to
withhold our forgiveness so the person committing the
wrong-doing can learn from their sins. In deciding whether or
not we should forgive, we should ask ourselves "What does
Christ-like love require?".
According to the Bible, forgiveness is defined as "the loving,
voluntary cancellation of a debt". Jesus gave his disciples
guidelines for forgiving a debt:
1) The Offense.
We should look at the sin realistically and not minimize the
offense.
2) The Confrontation.
It is the responsibility of the "wounded person" to confront,
with love, the person who committed the wrongdoing. It takes
wisdom and courage to do this. It takes wisdom to know when
to speak up and when to remain silent. Sometimes, however,
direct contact is not required or a good idea. In those cases,
we turn to prayer.
3) The Repentance
To repent means "to change one's mind". Specifically, the
word repent refers to the necessary change in heart and mind
for behavior to change. We should forgive those who honestly
are remorseful for their actions and wish to change.
4) The Forgiveness
This is when we decide that we will not hold the sin against the
sinner. If the person is sincere about his/her desire to change
and is truly sorry, we should forgive them. Depending on the
sin, it is possible that the sinner may have to face consequences
for their actions, regardless of whether or not they have been
forgiven.
5) The Restoration.
Through forgiveness and remorse, relationships are restored
and reconciled.
The Cost of Forgiveness
The cost of forgiveness on both sides can be great. The person
who is forgiving must relinquish their desire, if any, to seek
revenge. The person who commits the wrongdoing must be
humble and willing to face what they have done.
What can we do to make forgiveness a way of life?
1) Think of forgiveness as a lifelong process.
2) When you are the offender, be careful not to demand
forgiveness.
3) Begin to develop a "forgiving heart" in preparation for future
wrongs.
4) Refuse to seek revenge. Leave punishment, if any, in the
hands of God.
5) Acknowledge that we need forgiveness too, and have
received it through the sacrifice of Jesus.
6) Have the courage to want to love others as God has loved us.
Misconceptions About Forgiveness
1) You don't have to minimize the offense in order to forgive it.
2) You don't have to forget in order to forgive.
3) You don't need to forgive for your own sake. Feeling that
you are forgiving for yourself (to get rid of anger, hurt, etc.)
can change the intent of forgiveness from an expression of love
to an ultimate act of self-interest. God's wish for us is that we
forgive not because it will benefit US, but because it will benefit
the offender.
The ability to love and forgive starts first with our relationship
with God. When we have sought forgiveness for our own
offenses and feel our relationship with God has been restored
and strengthened, we will be a reflection of His heart in our
relationships.
Reference:
RBC Ministries pamphlet "When Forgiveness Seems Impossible"
(2001)
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